In a sense, Kyungsoo was never his. Sehun simply led himself to believe that he was. He would often sneak away from class just to see him. He would wait outside the lobby for hours, walk back and forth the corridors pretending to run an errand, count the thin wad of bills in his pocket---the money he had saved from all the lunches he had skipped, and worry for the nth time whether Kyungsoo had grown tired of the same ramen shop, the only one he can afford, he brings him time and time again. Kyungsoo will arrive in the usual haughty manner he has, knowing that he has the younger boy under his bidding. He would go with Sehun, eat with him, and leave before the latter had the chance to bring up the subject of what are we really, hyung?
Sehun's relationship with Kyungsoo was obviously unrequited. But young as he was, he held unto the idea that the latter would eventually like him.
It never happened.
Kyungsoo stopped accepting his ramen invitations one day and he never talked to him again.
It was on one of his evening talks with Junmyeon when he had the courage to share his tale. Ah, you mean Kyungsoo? The older one had the guts to name the unnamed person. It would take Sehun a few seconds to ask Junmyeon if it was that obvious. The older one looked at him with sad eyes and said yes.
Junmyeon asked him if he knew that Kyungsoo is dating an older girl.
The second one, and probably his biggest heartbreak, was Luhan. Still recovering from the void Kyungsoo left on his young heart, Sehun found solace in the company of this graceful, quiet boy with a smile that could heal the world.
Luhan's hands were warm. His touch would always send Sehun's heartbeat on an overdrive. But then, Luhan would always touch him long enough to calm the pounding in his chest. And it was enough. He was gentle and caring and everything that Kyungsoo isn't. Luhan was like a soft blanket on a cold night, a warm cup of coffee on a rainy Saturday morning, the golden rays of sunlight after a sudden afternoon shower.
Sehun was fond of him. And so was he. Luhan would let the younger boy lean on his shoulder, draw circles on his back, play puppet fingers with his hands, press his lips against his ear. Sehun remembers accidentally hurting Luhan once. It was when Kyungsoo popped back in his life and for a moment, his heart was confused. But Luhan was patient. Luhan was understanding. Luhan forgave him. And it was enough.
One year, four months, fifteen days, three hours. Sehun still remembers the day everything ended. Luhan's mother knocked on their doorstep at half past eight. Gone were the adoration and gentleness in her eyes that Sehun was so used to seeing.
"The two of you are still young. You might just be confused now. Please, Sehun. If you truly care for Luhan, set him free."
No, Sehun wanted to scream. I am not confused. I am sure of him. I love him. But the tears on her eyes made him swallow back the words.
He stopped replying to Luhan's messages, refused to answer his calls, told his older brother to say he was not home every time Luhan visits. And Luhan always visits. For five days, he would always drop by Sehun's front door---never mind the fact that his house was miles away on the opposite direction. Luhan would stay for hours looking at the window that was Sehun's room, not speaking, just silently waiting. But the window stayed closed.
On the sixth day, Luhan didn't show up.
Sehun locked himself in the bathroom for hours, the running water from the open faucet masking his miserable sobs.
At sixteen, Sehun have felt what it was like to love something so dearly and lose it. The pain hit him a thousand-times stronger because he was the one who let it slip away.
It would take five years before he meets someone again. His name was Zitao and he was an exchange student in the university. Sehun shared three classes with him for a year before he lets him enter his life. Zitao is basically Luhan who looks like a larger version of Kyungsoo. He is affectionate and gentle despite the cold demeanor he shows to almost everybody. Everybody except Sehun.
Sehun didn’t pay him any attention, to be honest. It was Chanyeol who noticed it first. Chanyeol told him that the Chinese boy has been waiting for him at the foot of the stairs everyfuckingtime so he could walk with him to class. Chanyeol said that the Chinese boy glanced at his empty seat the entire three hours of the lesson that day he decided to skip class. Chanyeol said that the Chinese boy looks at him lovingly and I swear to god Oh Sehun you are one insensitive motherfucker to not see it. The Chinese boy Zitao with his lonely eyes and rare smile.
For all those time, Sehun thought Zitao was simply grateful for the friendship he offered him. He never got to recognize Zitao's affection on his own. But Zitao was always there. Whenever he needs him. Even if he does not say it out loud.
At times, he felt that Zitao knew him more then he knew him. Zitao was affectionate and loving like that. Sehun feels guilty that he could not return the same intensity of feelings Zitao willingly gives him. But he got busier with life and trying to finish university that the time he could spare to get to know him grew less and less.
Sehun left Zitao when he decided to take an internship to Japan. He was gone for a year. Zitao was no longer there when he returned.
The fourth, fifth, and sixth were Baekhyun, Junmyeon, and Jongdae.
It would take a Baekhyun to make Sehun forget Luhan. It was Baekhyun, after all, who continued what Luhan and him did that one hot midsummer night eight years back when the evening air smelled strongly of ripe peaches. Baekhyun opened Sehun's eyes to a different world. In a sense, Baekhyun helped him grow. What they had was passionate, deep, and intense. But it never lasted. Three months of random calls during ungodly hours in the morning, breathy whispers of invitation, sounds of slammed doors and doorknobs locked in haste went by too fast. Sehun loved every moment of it but he never felt regretful when it all ended.
Short and swift, his story with Baekhyun was. But it changed him.
When he was fourteen, Junmyeon was the dependable hyung he could always run to for advice. At twenty-two, Sehun was the man Junmyeon would run to for whatever the fuck crosses his mind. Young, handsome, and successful Kim Junmyeon with the world on his palms. It only took two hours and three soju bottles before their impromptu catching-on-with-each-others-lives turned into catching-each-others-breath as they made their way into Junmyeon's vacuous hotel room.
It never crossed Sehun's mind that he would be fucking Junmyeon right away after ten years of not seeing each other. There are times when he hated himself for getting carried away that night but Junmyeon would always shush him with his sweet and ever-sound words.
Nothing has changed between us, Sehun. I trust you. Do you trust me?
And trust he did. In public, he was still Junmyeon's dongsaeng. But when the lights are dimmed and the last person to leave the party goes out the room, he becomes Junmyeon's dirty, little secret.
Sehun met Jongdae during Junmyeon's engagement party. They were together for a year. They lived together, worked together, did everything together. Sehun liked how easy-going Jongdae was and he believed the other liked him too for his no-frills attitude. It was all nice and fun until Jongdae asked Sehun about how serious he really was and when would they take things to a different level.
Sehun was so used to having men in his life leave him without feeling an ounce of regret that he thought they would also feel that way if he ever left. Jongdae was not used to that.
It was a bad break-up.
At twenty-five, Sehun felt he has finally become like the man who first broke his heart.
Hardened with all the heartbreaks, Sehun believed he had forgotten how it was like to even fall in love again. He believed in that thought for too long that when someone came into his life again, he almost fell into the trap of pushing the person away. But that’s the funny thing about love. It hits you when you least expect it. And when it does, it hits you hard.
He thought he would never find it again. But there it is, sleeping soundly against his chest---his soft breathing like melody to his ears. The love he has thought he had forever lost.
Jongin stirs in his sleep, eyebrows furrowing on what may be a bad dream. Sehun touches his hair gently and hums him a lullaby. The older one's face rests into a smile, one arm tightening its hold around the latter's waist as he buries his face into his chest.
It has been a tumultuous three years with Jongin, Sehun thinks. He had him, lost him, and found him again. Sehun is not expecting much but he hopes that this time, their story won't be as miserable as the others. Jongin would always coax his worries. Let us love each other until we wouldn't.
He smiles upon remembering his words. Sehun does not say it out loud but love him always, he will.
A/N: It's been a loooooooooooong time since I wrote something. I hope it didn't suck that much. I mean, I'm not an EXO-L and yaoi is never really my strength but for reasons idek what I felt like writing this. Hehe. For the EXO shippers, I hope I got the OTP dynamics right 8D
Also, LJ has been rather deserted now, hasn't it? Or was that just me? Leave a comment to let your presence known. =))
EDIT: Many thanks to sungun0506 for helping me with Sehun's OTP dynamics :)